What is this all about? Maybe you should read the READ ME READ ME.
august 7, 1996: rerun
I am the queen of duplicative self-destruction.
Of redundant (w)retched reiteration.
I repeat the same mistakes over and over.
I know that doing something will screw me over -- like procrastinating, or like falling for someone who is taken. But I do it nonetheless, and then I blame myself and get all knotted up about it.
I pound out my anger into the keyboard. Why can't I blame others, like others blame me? Perhaps that would make me feel better. But I can't. It is I and my stupid choices and the same ridiculous patterns I fall for time and time and time again.
Understand, I have a degree in decision sciences, or, in other words, the study of how it comes to be that people make stupid decisions. ( My advisor just died, sigh.) I should know better.
I also am well aware that I am about to repeat a mistake, as I repeat it.
But I do not learn. I repeat and repeat and repeat.
And then I feel all torn up about it -- not only about how I feel when I have done the stupid thing (which usually is bad; otherwise, perhaps, the thing would not have been so stupid); but also about how stupid it was for me to repeat the stupid thing.
My latest theory of repetitive mistake making is as follows: (I shared this with some people in real time, generally to the tune of nods of approval) ... people like myself make the same mistake over and over again in order, somehow to prove ourselves right. This is some of what brooke was talking about in medusa.
This understanding, however, provides little solace to salve the wound I just inflicted upon myself.
In times like this, repetitive denial is the most efficient band-aid, albeit hardly a cure, and certainly nothing more than another layer for the same thing.
Repeating another mistake.
If only irony were not so aesthetically pleasing. Then, perhaps I could try a new technique.
In the meanwhile, I think I might resign myself to living a "Groundhog Day" in reverse .. Instead of living the same day over and over again, and learning each time, I live different days and learn nothing.
but hey ... i guess i have at least that figured out for now ..
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Copyright 1996 Rebecca Eisenberg firstname.lastname@example.org. All rights Reserved.