READ ME ... yeah, right. Right?

I'm sick of everyone else having on-line diaries. I want one too.

What is this all about? Maybe you should read the READ ME READ ME.

august 16, 1996: free to be
you and me

ever since i set up my turntable and had my speakers put in very audiophilic parts of my apartment, i have been listening to a lot of old records. i have a lot of old jazz, old showtunes, and children's records.

one of my favorite records is the children's record, "free to be you and me." i fantasize about making a hip hop version of it. i haven't yet found anyone who believes in me enough yet to help me with it, however.

but i listen to the lyrics a lot and i think about it.

sure, we are free to be you and me.

and i am me ... in fact, painfully too much me.

of course, i am convinced, each of us has many people within us.

most people see the social side of me ... always smiling, happy, looking nice, friendly... supportive. but there are many me's. as there are many you's, i am convinced.

when i was fired from that terrible job in washington, d.c., i lost a lot of confidence in myself. i was not able to carry off the "work persona" without the "scary weird chick" shining through. how could i have had so little self control?

my mother once told me, as wise as she is, that i cannot expect the world to welcome me with open arms for being myself. she told me this even though she always taught me, along with my father, to stand up for things i believe in, and to value the "individual" within me. they were and are so right. they are really amazing.

but it is so saddening to see them be so right.

i can dress up, look pretty, smile .. but i cannot affect the absolute bitterness and sensitivity within me. i wish i could.

because, often, people pursue me for one side of me, and then they see the other side of me. the side that gets really upset when it feels betrayed; the side that wants everyone to like me; the side that just wants someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay ... even though everything is not going to be okay.

and these people feel like they were misled; like i manupulated them. like they bought a product that was advertised one way, and turns out to be another. they discard me in the trash and take off. i feel sad.

so sure, we are free to be you and me.

but we cannot expect the world to accept us the way we are.

psst! new and hot! hifi or lofi.





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Copyright 1996 Rebecca Eisenberg All rights Reserved.