This FAQ was created out of an attempt to avoid answering all of the questions you ask me, especially in the emails you send.
Don't get me wrong, I love receiving mail! It is just that responding to it can get so, well, tedious. Especially when just about everything there is to know about me is online.
So, to make it easier for you, Dearest WebSurfer, I have written up this rleFAQ. It is still a work in progress, as I don't have time to give the answers to most of the relentless questions I receive right now, and, more importantly, new and more relentless questions pile in every day.
Hopefully, by the time I finish this, I will never have to talk to anybody, and I can sit behind my computer all day, comparison-shopping palm pilots, developing a critical analysis of postmodern techno-cultural society, dutifully meeting all of my deadlines, never ever complaining about anything, and adding more and more spew to my dreaded README, while you all talk to each other about me on rebecalist.
So, here goes ...
(last updated: november 1, 1998)
- what is a FAQ?
- F.A.Q. stands for frequently asked questions. It also stands for FUNKY and QED. you decide.
- what does QED mean?
- "Which was to be demonstrated," fool. Get off line and go to class or read a book or something.
- but latin is not my native language!
- Okay. Forgiven.
- how can i give you money?
- I like to receive money. If you want to send me some, or to sponsor this page, read this.
- didn't I see other faqs of yours as well?
- Well, yes. I have Seven Questions on the Newsies Web site, a bio up at Electric Minds (where I used to host the Media Shock conference), a faq (yes, with photos, and yes, I took those myself) on GeekCereal, a short squib on Suck Harder, and a bio on Addicted to Noise, which looks a lot like my "revealed" page here. (Trick on you.)
Also, be sure to check out my member page at Hotwired and my profile at Grrl Gamer. And might as well swing by my ZDTV Silicon Spin bio page too.
All of my FAQs were written by me, so please do not try to bust me with telling me something stupid like "look how someone disses you!" I dis me, because I am humble. Okay, bra?
- what is a skink?
- The full answer will have to wait until I write my SkinkFAQ, which will be posted on the San Francisco Examiner's Skink Page. Until then, it's a lizard.
- why don't you link to me????
- Ok, Ok, Ok!! I do!
- why don't you write me back?
- Because that is the job of the rebecalist. Also ...
- If you are a friend: because I cannot make it to the event you are telling me about, but I would have loved to have attended; because I have already received that chain letter/political satire/list of jokes/internet virus urban myth in my mailbox so I immediately trashed your letter; because a proper response would take a little time and I have less than little to do so; because I have to prioritize my obligations, and the not-fun things must come before the fun things; because my apartment is a mess and I cannot locate that thing you want me to locate.
- If you are someone I do not know but who has sent me a nice email regarding my page: Thanks for the nice email! I would write back, but, for the reasons stated above, I have enough trouble keeping up with the people I do know that it is rare that I have time to keep up with the people I do not know. But I do appreciate the mail. Join rebecalist!
- why haven't you called me back?
- Because I cannot afford long distance charges, and when the rates go down out here in California, it is already two in the morning your time; because I am afraid of the phone; because I suck.
- so you have a second mailing list too, no?
- Yes I do. It is called testeria, and is a list devoted to (for now) media and new media griping and gossip. This is a very low-volume list. Anyone who disobeys will instantly be punished. If you dare, you may send a subscribe message to firstname.lastname@example.org (note swanky new address on bossanova!).
- what the hell is your email address? i am confused!
- email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, G@delirious.com iwoulddie4U@delirious.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org and about 20 other addresses will all work. Take your pick, but please, use only one. They all go to me, with the exception of email@example.com, which I probably will not notice for about 8 months, if at all.
- what do you sound like?
- For sure, nothing like this. My speech therapist and I are way tight these days.
- um, and did you really sing with ABBA in concert?
- Yes. It was a fabulous experience.
- were you really in GQ?
- did you really win 2300 dollars in cash and prizes on family feud?
- Yes. it was "College Week" on The Feud in 1989. I was selected to be a member of the "Stanford Family." We beat UC-Berkeley, lost to UCLA, but made it to the finals anyway due to our point totals, and ultimately beat USC to win it all.
- who played the "big money"?
- I was the anchorperson on the "big money" portion of the game show both times. And, to preempt your next question, yes, they really did make me sit in a booth and listen to "Lone Ranger" theme music while the first person on the team was asked the big money questions. It was fun, not to mention lucrative.
- was the host bob, and did he kiss you?
- No, the host was Ray, and no, he did not kiss me.
- speaking of kissing, have you ever kissed a girl?
- would you do it again?
- yes. why do you ask?
- what was it that happened with ice-t?
- If you really want to know, then go to my ice-t story page.
- what's up with your name? didn't i used to call you "becky"?
- Yes. And you still may call me becky. Just don't be surprised if Rebecca does not respond.
- why mars?
- My ruling planet and alter-ego.
- who is gwen elwood? who is brooke rust? who is gangsta barbie? who is ...
- I have no idea what you are talking about.
- what's up with the circumstances under which you bought your car?
- I bought it in Needles, California, when the judge I worked for in Washington, D.C. gave me only four days to move from Los Angeles to D.C., and my Tercel broke down in the California desert, on the longest stretch of service-free interstate highway in the United States.
The completely unsympathetic judge/future-employer refused to allow me to start work any later than planned, so I plopped myself in my motel's lobby, called up a Saturn dealer on one phone, a Honda dealer on the other phone, told them both exactly what I wanted, and that I planned to sign a contract by midnight that night, and said "Go." Saturn won -- same features, union-made, U.S.-made, less expensive, and more cool than the stinky Honda EX.
- so, you like your car notwithstanding those bizarre circumstances under which you bought it?
- Yes, but I wish it were more purple. And I wish it were a convertible.
- wait ... but don't you drive a convertible?
- I do now! Conveniently, I was rear-ended by a young investment banker driving a 1986 Alpha Romeo Spyder convertible heading south on Highway 101 in early April, 1998. I now drive a green Cabriolet. Lucky me!
- why aren't you a lawyer anymore?
- I am still a licensed attorney. I just don't practice much anymore.
- then so why don't you practice?
- Because I was good enough already.
- no, really.
- Try reading this or this or this, for a start.
- is that a llama? where were you in that picture?
- That is a llama, and the picture was taken in Chile, where my sister used to live.
My sister now lives in Washington, D.C., having been recruited out there in 1996 to work as one of the chief ganstas at the AFL-CIO. So do not email her. She will kill you.
- and you have a brother too?
- Yes, my brother graduated from Columbia Business School in 1995, and now works for IBM.
Do not email him either. He will kill you.
- what don't you eat, again?
- I have not eaten anything with a face, except for, on very very rare occasions (like when I get taken out to dinner, ahem) bony fish (as opposed to seafood) for 22 years. I still eat some (but not many) dairy products. After all, I am from Wisconsin.
- are you a feminist?
- so, you think that women are superior?
- No ... I am a radical feminist, meaning that I view gender as a social construct, nothing more. Although sexism hurts both men and women, it hurts women more. Finally, I fully support the complete destruction of the notion of gender altogether, so that people can be viewed as individuals, with their sex traits just one of the many aspects of their personhood. Some people would call this "humanism." I call it "radical feminism" -- the fundamental belief that society is completely fucked up. My point of view is well represented in Marge Piercy's book, "Woman On The Edge of Time." Hopefully, that brief summary answers your question.
- hey, i disagree with you!
- That does not surprise me. Most people do. But they are incorrect.
- but anyway ... are you single?
- I'm triple, over ice. I'm also new and improved, v.3b5. But I do not now, and will never, run on Windows NT.
- will you go out with me?
- Almost definitely not, but a quick roll in the hay might be worth my while.
- Dear Geek Guy,
Thanks for writing!
I would love to break my never-responding-to-emails policy, but I cannot, on account of your violations of r00ls number two, four and six.
Information on my email response tendencies is available on my FAQ, at (http://www.bossanova.com/rebeca/rebeccaFAQ.html) and anything else you would want to know about me is probably located somewhere within (http://www.bossanova.com/rebeca).
Again, thanks for the letter. Good luck, have a nice life, and may the Force Be With You.
- uh, does that mean yes?
- Uh, it means no.
- what's up with your ex?
- I don't know; why don't you ask him?
- why don't you believe in marriage?
- In addition to the fact that I do not want the government involved in my love life, and the fact that the institution itself serves no useful purpose other than to reinforce a sexist and homophobic society, primarily because I do not want to be labeled as someone's wife. No matter how "progressive" and "egalitarian" a person's marriage may be, that in itself will not keep other people from treating them as a married couple.
- do you think you might ever be in a lifetime, monogamous relationship, apart from the institution of marriage?
- Answer hazy. Try again.
- so, you're, like, into polyamory?
- I am a member of no cult. That is the whole point.
- what do you think of harems?
- Brief answer: If 95 percent of the male population were slaves, and 5 percent of the male population were men with several wives, why do men always identify with the latter category, when the obvious statistical odds place them in the former? It is illogical, of course.
- so, do you hate men?
- Yes, sometimes.
- but hey, don't you think that men can be feminists, too?
- Yes, men can be feminists. It is just that not many men are.
- and, can women be sexist?
- Yes, and many women are.
- i heard that you're into astrology, dream interpretation, wicca and east asian philosophy.
- You heard correctly. I am also into gansta rap, Lena Horne, Vikram Seth and hair.
- so, will you tell me what my moon sign is?
- Not likely, even if you have really nice signs, like rocky, patrick , and weevil.
- what's your gripe about the birth control pill?
- I need to devote an entire rant to that one. Pay me, and I will write it for you.
- are you back in san francisco now?
- You betcha!
- why did you live in houston?
- I moved out there for a job as a Judicial Clerk for the soon-to-be-Chief Judge on the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals. That lasted about three months. Then I stayed in fabulous Houston for an additional three months working at the most wonderful record store in the world.
- did you like it there?
- Of course. The weather was great; and the people were friendly, down to earth, respectful, gracious, and fun. Great food, too, and everything -- even rent -- was cheap cheap cheap.
- so, what are you doing in san francisco?
- Um, nothing.
- is that your natural hair color?
- Depending on when you see it, the probabilities range anywhere between zero and zero percent.
- when are you going to put up that retrospective on hair you promised months ago?
- When this faq succeeds in freeing up my time so that I can work on it. Or when Hell freezes over. Whichever comes first.
- what do you think about pirating software?
- I would prefer a world where all software were free. I used to think that that I had a rational explanation for pirating, but now that I make a living from intellectual property myself, I have (once again) leapt the fence.
- do you like sonic's page?
- Yes. I especially love the "nearsighted mac interface."
- see? you like things just because they are created by women!
- That is not true. I like things because they are creative and intelligent. It is not my fault that many, if not most, of those things are created by women.
- what do you think about image maps?
- I hate them.
- what do you think about frames?
- I hate them.
- are you saying that just because you don't want to learn how to do them?
- You must be joking.
- did you do this all by yourself?
- Yes. You think I could get anyone to do this for me?
- have people really asked you all of these questions?
- Yes. All of these and more.
- what's the deal? do you work somewhere?
- I work everywhere. Some people find that unattractive.
- so, do you sleep?
- Not much. Do you?
- does anyone pay you to do this?
- Why? Do you want to?
- you're pretty conceited, aren't you?
- No, i'm not. I am just bitter.
- isn't doing this going to hurt your chances of getting a real job?
- why do you (sometimes) write in all lower case?
- I (sometimes) think it looks better.
- why do you do this?
- To torment you.
Do you have more questions? I bet you do!
Send them to me ... i'll get to them eventually.
Thank-you for reading my FAQ. It was nice to have you learn about me.
To find out even more, go back to Rebecca's Revenge
and, to find out what's new with me today, check out today's READ ME.
Copyright 1996, 1997, 1998 Rebecca L. Eisenberg firstname.lastname@example.org. All rights reserved.